Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested in seeing a show, I’ve seen a lot of shows before and I’m quite busy, anyway— all right, fine, I’ll take a flyer if you insist, just to be polite… wait. Hang on, wait a second… WHAT does this flyer say? It’s a show… with only ONE person in it?
Stop. Stop where you stand and look at me in my eyes.
Am I reading this correctly? This flyer appears to be a typical flyer for a show, I agree, but… a ONE-person show, that has to be a typo, right? Or is it a joke? Some cruel joke on me, just a guy in a coffee shop being roped into believing in the impossible? Is someone filming me from behind a shelf right now?
Or do you expect me to believe that you have created, for real, an entire show with only one person in it? Beginning, middle, and end, lights up to lights down, a whole SHOW with a single performer?
WHAT? SHUT UP! The performer is YOU?!?
But you seem so— no offense, but you just seem so unremarkable. So much like, say, that barista over there. Oh, you ARE a barista? Oh, that’s cool. Makes sense. A barista AND some sort of magical “solo” performer. All right, fine. I’ll bite… what is this so-called “one person show” about?
WHAT? Your LIFE?
I don’t think so. Stop it. Do you have ANY IDEA how complex a human life is? Even a boring one? The trials, the tribulations involved with simply existing for thirty years are endless. Just for example, in some lives, a man’s grandmother dies when he is sixteen and his grandfather then comes out to the family as gay, and through the experience of loss and no small amount of hilariously awkward family dinners, the young man learns something profound about himself and moves to Los Angeles to become an actor.
You see where I’m going with this, right? I mean, it would be IMPOSSIBLE to cover something so complex with a single performer. You’d need at least three, up to five performers for this one story, assuming there’s an overbearing father involved.
Hang on, hang on. Shut up. Repeat exactly what you just said, word for word, so you know how ridiculous you sound. I will wait. WHAT?
You play ALL the characters? But— how is that even— well, I guess you could do different voices and— postures TOO??!? Let me get this straight. You are saying that you, an “actor”, just… play MULTIPLE people in the course of a SINGLE show? YES I have more questions! Do you address what it was like in the neighborhood growing up? Do you have a “voice” to portray your college girlfriend who made you hate yourself? Another “voice” to portray the casting director who scammed you when you first got to Hollywood? Do you come full circle and admit that despite the struggle the only thing that matters is believing in yourself? Do you play the guitar once for no real reason? Is there a spotlight to the side where you can deliver subtext and audience-address apart from the main story? I just cannot believe all these things—
ALL OF IT, REALLY? Well color me impressed. I can confidently say that now I have— literally— heard it all.
Will I ATTEND? Are you KIDDING? A one-person show doesn’t come along every day! YES, I will take a flyer. Give me five of them, I need to tell my friends about this. How much is a ticket?
STOP IT! STOP MESSING WITH ME!!! I only have to pay… what I… CAN? Like, I could just make up a number as if money is a fictional construct that doesn't matter to artists???
I apologize for my forcefulness, sir, but you absolutely MUST put my name on the “list.” It is of crucial importance that I view this “one-person show.”